The definitive way to know your date is a douchebag...

Imagine you're out on a date with a guy who's really great. Good conversationalist, nice guy, probably funny.

Then you get to the restaurant where he unbuttons his coat to reveal an Ed Hardy tee. It's pretty shocking. He doesn't have spiky hair or a raised truck. So you tell yourself that you can "educate" him in the ways of fashion. He seems open-minded enough, after all.

After making sure that you don't know anyone in the restaurant that could out you for being on a date with Ed Hardy guy, you decide to put it out of your mind and you end up having a great time.

One thing leads to another, you end up back at his place drinking way too much wine. Your head is a little woozy, you're carried away by the evening, he leads you to his bedroom.

The light flickers on and you see THIS:

Amy Winehouse

Harsh!



Damn girl, eat food, not drugs!

A Letter To Rufus

Dear Rufus Humphrey (from Gossip Girl) -

I chose to look the other way when you wore your leather tied-on chokers (sometimes doubled up). I plugged my ears whenever "Lincoln Hawk" played one of your throaty Goo Goo Dolls-esque rock ballads. I even tried to see the silver lining in your penchant for denim shirts.

And I did this all because you're a hot older man and I love me a hot older man. And I can overlook a lot of style faux pas on a hot older man.

But that chunky knit turtleneck sweater tonight? Now you're really asking too much.

Please hire a new stylist or I may even start to find your douchey, boring, self-righteous son handsome.

XOXO,
Sugar Grams

Even Worse Than The Ubiquitous Hip Hop Prop... AKA Yuck Barf

This is totally not even relevant aka irrelevant, but this new form of irony, in terms of fashion combined with music, is just too much - I've been seeing this trend around NYC for the past year and it's really starting to annoy me - like a lot. And could their name be anymore generic? RETRO KIDZ?? It's not even clever, funny, typical or whatever. It's all dumb - they're dumb, their sound is dumb, they dress dumb, their name is dumb. I hope they never get a record deal, especially based on the idea of how they scour eBay for "retro, rare, hard to find, one of a kind, indie, hipster" clothes that their parents probably didn't even wear. Whatever.

Retro Kids seen above surrounding Fab 5 Freddie

Listen and look for yourselves... I dare you to see how long you can look at their page - Retro Kidz

Retro Kidz are trying like hell to be the new forms of Kool Moe Dee, Bobby Brown circa New Edition, Fresh Prince, Fab 5 Freddy, Spike Lee's *Do The Right Thing*, etc., blah blah you get the point, I know, it's fucking lame.

*Update, I just was told by someone that one of the kids nicknames in the group is "Do The Right Thing" and also goes by Mookie, which ironically is the name of Spike Lee's character in the same movie. AHHHHHH....

Always held the thought about fashion is that you need to be one step ahead or four steps behind, but this crap is just boring and maybe it's my fault for even shedding light on them. We think "hipsters" are bad, wait til this trend catches on across the world again. Hopefully it doesn't.

the ubiquitous hip hop prop; track 1

For those of you keen on hip hop these days, particularly that of the cheesy varietals, perhaps you’ve noticed a flurry of accessorizing. It seems that years ago every time I come around yo city, “bling bling” was the only accessory we’d see these hip hoppers wearing. Crossing the line at the time would mean wearing bling in your teeth. However, these days, hip hop accessories have expanded into some other level s***. Omnipresent in music videos, stage performances, interviews and frankly, ornamenting their every day lives, now hip hop accessories have become outright PROPS!

This is the first entry for a recurring column at MARF, which touches a soft spot in my heart. Although the ladies have some amazing props of their own, we’ll keep to the theme of the blog and focus on the straight male hip hopper and his props. Hip hoppers on the Down Low are fair game.

Behold, members of the famed Three Six Mafia. I thought I’d begin with the amazing bracelets these two wear on the daily, straight out of a He-Man cartoon. However, after watching their new video for “That’s Right, " to my delight I see homeboy dancing around the video waving an empty gasoline can. Man he looks hard! I suppose winning an Oscar has gone way to these boys’ heads. Seriously homey, don’t play that.

adbusters on hipsters

the cover story of the current issue of adbusters is called: "hipster: the dead end of western civilization." there's all sorts of potential for an adbusters article about contemporary hipsterism (and trendiness in general) to be awesome; unfortunately, the article they ended up with is kind of sucky.

i can't put it any better than they did over at the spanish rice, so i won't even try.

And yet, once you look past the headline, you notice that the article suffers from exactly the superficiality it seeks to “expose”: a fixation on appearances and surface, arty party photographs, and utterly substance-free and pseudo-revolutionary rhetoric.

hard to say!

please welcome the great new site hipster or gay to the internet.

Fits Like A Glove

Unless you are a weightlifter, Madonna circa 1984 or a salesperson at Hot Topic ….you will absolutely not be taken seriously wearing fingerless gloves. True, you can more easily navigate your iPhone, spin and scratch your records or strum a six string, but let’s get real here. The only legit time a man should don this horrendous style faux pas is when residing in frigid temps and needs warmth, but seeks the convenience of easily accessible finger tips. However, even then, I would suggest he wear the convertible mitten to glove, affording him practicality, yet with a classy and rugged mountain man appeal. Yum.

I’ve witnessed this fashion atrocity out and about in LA and every time it garners a slight chuckle, eye roll, and then a “Can I get a WTF!?” I see knit, I see mesh, I see neon and I see leather. I’ve even seen rubber fingerless gloves! Correct me if I’m wrong, but does it ever get so cold in LA that we need to wear ANY kind of article of clothing to keep warm, let alone gloves? Fingerless gloves have become a popular accessory in certain circles. In fact, I think you might be able to find them at American Apparel, go figure. “Aside from the many practical uses, fingerless gloves are also worn as a fashion statement. Goth, rock, and to a lesser extent hip hop or rap enthusiasts sometimes wear fingerless gloves for their tough, rebellious look.” Tough, rebellious look? Really? I’m thinking more along the lines of a lame, douchious look... …unless of course, you are Beyond Thunderdome or have the audacity to accessorize your fingerless gloves with gold rings atop each gloveless fingertip like this fashion icon…Go Karl!

Man Accessories, Vol I

Puka Shelled Necklaces...vomit. (I know these are outdated, but they're totally relevant, and guys are still wearing them.)

Ease up. Man accessories should be kept to a very select, very specific set. Don't drift into idiot water. Keep the puka at home, actually throw it away. Or maybe hemp gear is just as bad - yeah, it's worse. If you wear a necklace, wear it long and don't choke yourself. Don't be that dumbass Jersey Shore guy with buff, tanned jock pecktits sporting a popped collar polo and a puka shell necklace. Just don't do it.

Gross...

having seen the folly of their puke-ish ways

here's a slightly old but kinda interesting ny times article (with a more-than-slightly dated indictment of trucker hats as icons of failed cool (but you get the point)):

leaving behind the trucker hat

"their carhartts are no longer ironic. now they have real dirt on them."

what a lede!

Deep V Tees

Listen, there's nothing wrong with a V-neck t-shirt on a man. But American Apparel has really pushed it.

You can't walk down Sunset and spit without hitting a guy in one of these numbers. And why are they always super skinny with patchy chest hair?

Look, if it were one or two of you, we'd probably look the other way. Random fashion risk takers are OK. They make the world colorful and fun. But when it has become standard uniform, we need to set you straight (literally). The fact that you see another hipster walking down the street, think it looks awesome, and proceed to copy it makes you a douche.

If you also grow patchy facial hair to match your patchy chest hair, you're a double douche.

Please make a note that Dov Charney is never to be considered a fashion mentor. Or a mentor of any sort really. Smart guy, but let's just keep our pants on in meetings, shall we?

Guyliner

Yeah, you'd think this would be well on the way out, but you'd be surprised how much I see around LA still. Maybe it's 909'ers in town for the weekend, but I don't think so.

Listen, the trend was tolerable about 5+ years ago. Not acceptable, but we looked the other way. And there was the occasional rock star that pulled it off.

Then Billie Joe Armstrong started doing it and you're like "dude, you're too old to be wearing makeup of any sort, and the skinny tie is way out of style already, guy."

But when Fall Out Boy Pete Wentz does it, time to check yourself. And when Jordan Catalano (his emo-ness coming out of left field) sports it, it's really a dead trend. He wears crocs for chrissakes! Do you really want to align yourself with that?

So that was 1-2 years ago. Why are you still doing it? And being goth is not a free pass. That shit is only OK if you're under 18 or living in the 80s or early 90s.

Let's cut it out, OK?

Marf - the namesake

Let's be clear about the purpose of this blog. It's to make fun of hetero men that spend way too much time caring about their trendiness.

Gay men have a license (and are encouraged) to look good and take chances. Of course it's not fair, but that's just how it is. So anything I say here absolutely does not apply to gay men unless otherwise specified.

It's just not sexy or cool for a girl to date a guy that spends longer getting ready than she does.

Hence, we bring you Marf . And what better way to kick things off than to mock the most ridiculous fashion trend in recent memory - the male scarf?

We're not talking about scarves worn in cooler weather (which is 100% OK), we're talking about Silverlake dudes that pair their faux "desert scarves" with their American Apparel tees in the dead heat of summer.

Unless you're making a political statement or being proud of your heritage, please spare us. If you can intelligently discuss the Israeli-Palestinian conflict before you duck into the Cha-Cha, then you are given a free pass.